Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Nagoski emphasizes that there is no such thing as a “normal” vulva, orgasm, or sexual experience—only a wide range of healthy variation. Drawing on anatomy and sexual psychophysiology, she dispels myths about genital uniformity and performance standards, encouraging women to explore and appreciate their bodies without shame. For example, women concerned that their labia are “too large” or their orgasms too infrequent are reminded that variations are biologically typical and socially stigmatized without scientific basis. Practically, she suggests that women engage in self-exploration and open conversations with supportive partners to normalize and affirm their experiences. In clinical or educational settings, practitioners can promote body literacy by incorporating visuals and inclusive language. Normalizing difference reduces anxiety, fosters confidence, and creates space for pleasure.

Central to the book is the dual control model of sexual response: the sexual excitation system (accelerators) and the sexual inhibition system (brakes). These systems interact to shape arousal, and understanding them can transform how individuals interpret their sexual responses. Nagoski debunks the myth that low desire is a pathology. Instead, she reframes it as a function of